There's this quote and it goes: If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.
Although I want to believe that only the last part applies to me, I cannot deny that I do find myself living in the past and the future at times. I think about the past sometimes, but my biggest fault is letting my mind be consumed by these thoughts of the future. I get into this funk where I am just tired, lazy, and sad; really sad sometimes. But sad in the sense that I'd rather keep to myself and do absolutely nothing. If you know me, I like to be around interesting and good people (for the most part), doing fun things. I am one of those people who like to be busy. Let's be clear: busy, not overwhelmed. When my mind is totally overwhelmed with too many mind-consuming thoughts, I cannot eat; I cannot sleep; I cannot function properly. Now whether that means I have anxiety or that I just simply overreact at times, I obviously do have a problem here.
I have been told countless times that I am the epitome of calm, cool, and collected. However, like everything, there is more than what's on the surface. This isn't me trying to confess that I am doing anything harmful to myself because believe me, I love myself too much to do any of that. I cannot even fathom the idea of hurting another being, let alone myself. But I do hurt myself when I fall into these thought traps. My mind works fast and there's always something running around inside there; sometimes it's too much, and I swear racing thoughts will be detrimental to my health, if it isn't already.
Ironically, I was asked just recently what it is that makes me feel better when I am in a bad mood. Honestly, when it comes to these little outbreaks of anxiety removing me from the present, my feeling better is grâce à whoever is looking down on me from up above. Do you ever get these (I don't want to say signs, but) signs that perhaps there are much bigger things in this world than yourself and your problems? Maybe it's you coming across these words that seem to speak specifically to you or reading/hearing something that is exactly what you needed to read/hear; or maybe it's having one great day amidst several sucky ones; or maybe it's even having a genuinely nice conversation with someone you never thought could make you feel better. It's those moments that bring me back to the now.
I found myself in another one of these traps these past couple of weeks. With my study abroad being less than a year away, I am becoming stressed thinking about how much money it's going to cost. I've been thinking whether this is even a smart decision. Second thoughts aren't quite the correct term in this case because I don't necessarily think it's a foolish decision, not at all. I'm just thinking ahead to how this financial burden of studying abroad and attending college is going to affect my life when I'm older. And thus begins the snowball effect.
Nevertheless, I climbed out of this trap by simply enjoying my life again. Yes, I am aware that anything and everything I do now will in essence affect my anything and everything in a couple of years, as well as in 50 years. But I am doing myself no good if I don't, at least every now and then, learn to relax and actually enjoy this moment, the now. College is expensive, and I clearly knew this coming in. It is just all the more incentive for me to work my bum off.
A beautiful day with lovely circumstances, that was my savior this time. The conversations were kept light-hearted; laughter proved to be the best medicine; and the weather was just absolutely perfect. It was a splendid day following some no-so splendid ones and I'm just so extremely thankful for days like these.
